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You Know Your Croatian When....

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Duran Duran
You Know Your Croatian When....
Croatian War Pics

-Your Dida has a shot of Rakija for breakfast

-Though Baba is 98 years old and 4 feet tall she downs a litre of "crno vino" every night with dinner

-At least one family member makes his own wine*

-"Sljivovica" is used not only to celebrate at all occasions, but to cure illness and as a massage lotion as well

-At the age of 13 you are allowed to go out of town with your friends for Croatian Soccer Tournaments, folklore festivals and Dances

-You were still in elementary school the first time you got drunk*

-Your parents were at the function where you got drunk*

-The majority of your friends are also your relatives*

-Even if they aren't your relatives, you refer to their parents as "Teta" and "Striko"*

-You are the only kid in your class who doesn't get to sleep in on Saturdays because of "Hrvatska Skola"

-When you come home from school with your report card, instead of getting a reward for bringing home all "A's" (like your American friends), your parents are angry that you didn't get "A+'s" like Stipe did*

-If you bring home anything lower than a "B" your parents beat you with a "siba"*

-Tata insists that you pick the "siba" yourself* (mine was hanging above the mirror in the hallway, i must admit i picked a good branch)

-"Kuhace" are not only used for stirring when cooking... they are also used by Mama to beat you when there is no "siba" handy*

-At least once before you've told your parents that you'll call the police to report "child abuse" and each time your parents said "Samo
probaj" (you knew full well that "samo probaj" was a warning, and that if you actually did, they'd probably kill you before the arrival of the police)*

-You knew that the words "dat cu ti ja ______ " when you were asking for something not only meant that you could not have it, but that you
might get beat if you asked again*

-When Mama gave you the evil eye in public you knew it meant you could expect to be beat within the hour*

-Mama beat you in public on at least one occasion*

-If you were having dinner at someone's house and you got pinched under the table, you knew you'd get beat in the car on the way home (are we
seeing a trend?)*

-When leaving the house to go out, you always receive the same warnings regardless of age:
-"Pazi sta radis"
-"Pamet u glavu"
-"Nemoj me sramotit"
-"Nemoj da ja sta cujem"*

-Sadly, if something actually does happen, somehow Mama will know before you make it home (baba hotline?)*

-When you come home from somewhere Mama will insist that you eat something the minute you walk in the door*

-Mama gets pissed off at you for bringing home McDonalds saying, "sta ce ti taj junk?"*

-Mama cries when she watches Oprah

-Mama believes everything Oprah says*

-Tata insists that watching Oprah is stupid

-he later sits down to watch cartoons (but pretends to be reading the paper)*

-Your parents insist that you'll end up a nobody if you don't graduate from "fakultet"*

-If you're in a rush to get somewhere, and you see a "SR" or "YU" bumper sticker on a car while you're driving, you'll go out of your way
to follow the car regardless of the fact you're late

-When going to banquets, weddings or out clubbing you drink before hand and you bring your own supply of liquor

-Tata insists that drinking 10 beers, 10 shots and then driving home is not "drinking & driving"

-You believe Tata's philosophy

-Dinner on a normal day has more courses than Americans have for Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner*

-You make fun of Americans for eating Kraft dinner and hotdogs even though as a child you secretly wished you could have that instead of
your home-cooked dinner*

-You know that in addition to fruit flavoured Jello, that gelatin can also be prepared with pigs feet

-You've eaten this on at least one occasion

-You love "pasteta", but don't like bringing it to school or work for lunch because you'd be embarassed if someone asked you what it was

-There is a slab of fat in your fridge called SLANINA

-Your mother washes the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher*

-All meals your parents have ever prepared contain one key ingredient -"Vegeta"*

-Vegetarianism is not a concept your parents understand*

-All other action stops when you hear people speaking Serbian in a store somewhere*

-You insist that you can spot a Serb from a mile away - In most cases, you can*

-You secretly love Serbian music

-You have at least one short-wave radio in your house

-Your parents refer to you as "stoka" when they're angry

-You smell garlic on your parents' breath and they insist it smells better than that 'Listerine sranje'

-There is a bar in your church hall that contains a 2 year supply of Brandy

-You live with your parents until you are married

-Your parents still prefer to buy tapes over CDs*

-Your parents think too much fun is GLUPOSTI!*

-Mama thinks that whenever you get sick it's because you didn't eat enough*

-You are never ever allowed to sit by an open a window for fear of catching pneumonia from the "propuh" (even in the middle of summer)*

-When upset, it isn't unusual for Tata to send you "u pizdu maternu"*

-Tata wears socks with sandals

-Tata wearing a dress shirt with sweat pants is normal (in most cases the shirt is tucked in)

-Baba and Dida wear at least 3 layers of clothing in all seasons*

-Dida spits into a napkin at the dinner table

-Baba knits a wool blanket with every colour known to mankind and says,"Ovo je za tebe, jel volis?"

-Your parents turn the channel when there is a kissing scene

-Dida insists you are quiet while he watches the news even though he doesn't understand a single word they're saying*

-Regardless of the fact he doesn't understand what they're saying, he knows more about what's going on in the world than you do*

-You never got the "Birds and the Bees" talk from Mama and Tata as you were growing up*

-While you're a kid the words you hear the most are "Donesi mi _______"*

-The use of vulgar language at home is unacceptable, unless it is Croatian*

-Whenever your parents said "vidit cemo" you knew that it meant "NO!"*

-Everything that goes wrong in the world can somehow be traced back to Serbs

-Your cousin in Croatia who calls you to send him money had a Cell phone before you and wears only name brand clothing

-Your relatives in Croatia think it's strange if you are not married by the age of 18*

-You have at least 6 close relatives named Marija or Ivan*

-You haven't seen your cousin in 15 years because he married a Amerikanka

-At parent teacher conference you find out that Mama gave your teacher permission to beat you

-You pay for your college tuition in cash

-You are only allowed to vacation in the homeland***

-all of your relatives in Croatia have lost their teeth by the age of 30

-on holidays in Croatia you have to be careful of who you fool around with in your selo because the majority of them are related to you*

-You've not only seen, but have actually used an outhouse*

-You know that in order to smuggle 'domaca sljivovica' into America without having it detected you have to bottle it in plastic bottles

-Though you were born and raised in America you still have a Croatian accent

-There is at least one rosary hanging in every room of your house

-You are only allowed to speak Croatian at home

-English words are acceptable if used with the ending "A-T-I" which makes them Croatian... "play-ati", "study-ati*

- Some guy in New Jersey.